It is night in the desert, a radiant canopy of brilliant stars crowns the heavens as Antonio Poyato peers intently through a telescope.
“What are you doing Antonio?”.
“I’m looking through this telescope Manuela”.
“I can see you are looking through that telescope, it is a 279 mm aperture reflector with a 2800 mm focal length mounted on a motorised tracking base, I am not an idiot Antonio. The reason for my inquiry was to ascertain WHAT you are looking at. Have they left the curtains open at the nurse’s home again?”.
“No Manuela, at least I don’t think so, no, I am looking at the pretty stars”.
“Oh Antonio I have misjudged you. Do you think the Universe is infinite or are there boundaries? Do you think man will ever find a unified theory to correlate quantum mechanics and the general theory of relativity?”.
SOME MINUTES PASS.
“I like your shoes Manuela, are they new?”.
“Antonio, do you think the Universe is contingent or do you believe there is an overall plan? A guiding hand or complete meaninglessness? Antonio what do you think?”.
“I think I am going to stop looking at pretty stars and focus on the nurse’s home again Manuela”
“Antonio remember what the judge said? He will confiscate your telescope if there are any more complaints……..Did you see the shooting-star last night, that brilliant flash of light, some say it landed near here?” (the shooting star landed not the flash of light).
“Was that what it was? I thought it was the Remitroot whisky I was drinking. Once when I drank it I lapsed into unconsciousness and when I came to I was in Tibet washing the Dalai Lama’s feet dressed as Balinese dancing girl”.
“That sounds like a very strange occurrence Antonio”:
“Are you questioning the candour of that story Manuela?”.
“No Antonio, just your sanity……Shall we go and look for the meteorite?”.
“No Manuela, every time we have an adventure I get hurt, it’s affecting my self esteem”.
“If you come with me we can do that THING you like to do Antonio, we can do it tonight ”.
“Ohhhh Manuela really! Will you wear your fishnet body-stocking?”.
“No Antonio! Not to play Ludo……..Come, get you hat, let’s go”.
“I don’t have a hat Manuela”.
“Shut up Antonio! Bring the car around, we will start our search”.
And so our intrepid heroes head into the night in search of the mysterious object that fell from the heavens.
What dangers await them?
Will they succeed in their quest?
Will Antonio take his hand off Manuela’s knee?
“I thought it was a meteorite that fell Manuela”.
“No to worry Antonio the narrator is just building up the tension, and take your hand off my knee”.
“He isn’t doing very well is he, will you hold the gear lever Manuela?”.
“ANTONIO! PUT THAT AWAY”.
“Worth a try Manuela…..Look! Over near the Daft Diego’s Newt Hatchery, a smoking crater” (The crater was emitting smoke it wasn’t actually smoking a tobacco related product).
“Yes Antonio and the narrator was right there is a mysterious object in the crater”.
“Yes Manuela it’s saucer shaped and it was once flying. What can it be?”.
“Antonio! Sometimes I wish we had sent you for that brain scan privately and not relied on the health service. It’s a flying bloody saucer but it isn’t doing much flying at the moment but yes it is a FLYING SAUCER and it isn’t OF THIS WORLD!”.
“I just heard some dramatic cords Manuela”.
“Not to worry Antonio you get them all the time in Sci-Fi stories”.
“Intelligent life from the cosmos Manuela?”.
“Antonio, they haven’t landed they have crashed. They can’t be that intelligent to travel many, many light years through space and then crash on the first planet that gets in their way. What happened, did the breaks fail on planet Earth and it shot out in front of them or was the driver drunk? I hope they have good insurance, the Town Hall are going to want that hole filled in and made good again”.
“Look! Look Manuela! The flying saucer has started to hum and lights have started flashing”.
“The pilot is probably trying to reverse out before the crew realise what has happened”.
“No Manuela that hatch is unscrewing and they have thrown something out”.
“Yes Antonio it is a hideous thing, it approaches, it is awful, horrible, disfigured, deformed……”
“Dramatic cords again Manuela”.
“Just ignore them Antonio, I’ll continue……… it is awful, horrible, disfigured, deformed. Oh sorry, hello Paco. What have you been doing in the saucer?”.
“Hello Manuela, Antonio. The aliens captured me, they wanted to possess my body The put a POD next to me which was to take my form but it refused saying it had some self respect left and then they threw me out”.
“Paco, why are you making those signs with your eyes, why are……..ahhhhhh the aliens are behind us aren’t they?”.
“Yes Manuela, good luck I’m offffffffffffffffffffffffff”.
So saying the brave Paco legged it to the bar La Casa Devante where he told his strange story. In the tradition of all good Sci-Fi stories no one however believed him, not that is until it was much too late. But more of that later.
“Don’t make any sudden movements Manuela”.
“That’s grizzly bears not aliens Antonio. Show them we are friendly. Smile Antonio smile. I’ll smile at the tall one”.
“Yes Manuela he knows your friendly either that or he has a second stage booster rocket in his pocket”.
“He’s going to prod me with it isn’t he Antonio?”.
“My money’s on it Manuela”.
“No Antonio! He’s pointing to the saucer they want us to go inside”.
“I wish he’d point with his hand Manuela, phew!”.
“It looks small on the outside Antonio, do you think it will be huge on the inside?” (the saucer that is).
“That would be inline with popular Sci-Fi thinking Manuela”.
Manuela and Antonio reluctantly enter the saucer under the threat of prolonged prodding .
“No it’s small on the inside also. Look they are going to chain us hand and foot. Shall I show them the handcuffs I have in my handbag Antonio, they are fur lined for comfort?”.
“No Manuela it will only confuse them”.
As Manuela and Antonio languish on the spacecraft’s orlop.
“Where are we languishing Manuela?”.
“The orlop Antonio”.
As our heroes languish we join the crew of the flying saucer.
“chhhiikkkl bs nummpthfffff ckk ll scjjkj!” Oh sorry I’ll turn on the intergalactic electronic interpreting device, it was one of the many extras that came with this spacecraft. The automatic soil analysis module and combined garlic press is also a very handy little device to have onboard. We listen in to a conversation between the spacecraft’s captain and the unfortunate driver.
CAPTAIN: “So we travel many, many light years through space and you bump into the first planet that gets in our way. What happened Man! Were you drunk?”.
PILOT: “I was distracted, Dolores Dimplebum the Ship’s physicist and doughnut reamer was demonstrating how she won the Intergalactic Suggestive Banana Eating Contest, when I turned around the planet was there. It appeared from nowhere! I slammed on the breaks but it was too late. There isn’t much damage we can knock it out with a big hammer”.
CAPTAIN: “Knock it out with a big hammer? This is an intergalactic deep space cruiser and exploration ship equipped with a hyper light quantum drive, we do not knock dents out with big hammers at least not while people are looking. You have put our mission in jeopardy”.
PILOT: “What is our mission Captain it is known only to you?”.
CAPTAIN: “You may be aware that we are a planet of idiots. We were to go to the other side of this galaxy where there is intelligent life. We were then to use the pods to take over people’s bodies, then after some tests, with the usual probes to return to our own planet and graft the pod bodies onto our people and so create a race of super intelligent beings out of the usual morons.”
PILOT: “If we are a planet of idiots how did we build an intergalactic deep space cruiser and exploration ship equipped with a hyper light quantum drive?”
CAPTAIN: “It was a plastic construction kit that Pongy Pedro brought back from the Planet of the Giants after he got his braces caught on that skyrocket at the annual firework festival”.
PILOT: “How did he get back from the Planet of the Giants?”.
CAPTAIN: “I’ve explained the obvious anomaly in this story, just use your imagination”.
PILOT: “How will we complete our mission now Captain?”.
CAPTAIN: “We will use the imbeciles here, have we caught any yet?”.
PILOT: “Yes one man, but he was a bigger idiot than us, we threw him back. But we have just got hold of two reasonable samples, a man and a woman. The woman has had a strange effect on the men. We’ve had to put bromide in their chufa juice”.
CAPTAIN: “I see, I’ll handle the testing of the woman personally”.
PILOT: “Ohhhhhhh so rank hath its privileges!”:
CAPTAIN: “Don’t push it sunshine, I haven’t forgot who crashed the Ship!”.
And so the Ship’s crew set about distributing the pods among the unsuspecting population. Unsuspecting because they didn’t believe Paco’s story, note how seamlessly this plot unfolds. To say the exercise was a complete success would be an overstatement. Mud Guts Miguel took his pod to the Bar la Casa Devante where he fed it Remitroot Whisky and finished the evening by dancing the Lambada with Creative Carmen. Randy Ricardo had his pod put next to him while he slept, on waking he promptly mounted it, they now spend their holidays together. Sanchia thought her pod was her husband and she nagged it until it exploded. A pod which has taken over human body is dull eyed, slow witted and generally apathetic so much so that it became impossible to tell the pods possessed humans from the original inhabitants. It soon became clear that the pod experiment had to be shelved.
CAPTAIN: “vvg bbhhgfvt ggggbtb bbrtg” sorry forgot the intergalactic electronic interpreting device. “It has soon become clear that we must shelve the pod experiment” confirmed the Captain.
It might be useful at this point to describe our alien visitors. They were of the standard type, short in statue, large pear shaped heads with bulging eyes. They seemed to appreciate earth women, Manuela in particular and she was subjected to a series of very thorough procedures. We now return to Manuela and Antonio who have just been unchained in preparation for their first taste of the alien’s experimentation techniques.
“Antonio, they have released me. Look what is that piece of equipment they have just switched on?”.
“And me Manuela, it looks like an intergalactic electronic interpreting device, they are speaking into it we will soon know what they are saying Manuela”.
INTERGALACTIC ELECTRONIC INTERPRETING DEVICE: “Ummmmm pppof iiij hhsm we nsxhxhx probe jwxkjh jinhbex “
“It sounded like an airport Tannoy Manuela”.
“What did it say Antonio?”.
“It sounded like the green ostrich has eaten the house of my Mother-in-law, Manuela”.
“They are looking at us, expecting we understood, I will shake my head”.
INTERGALACTIC ELECTRONIC INTERPRETING DEVICE: “Ummmmm pppof iiij hhsm we nsxhxhx probe jwxkjh jinhbex “
“Was that about the green ostrich again Antonio?”.
“I have no idea Manuela, but they are getting angry now, they are gesturing, what can it mean Manuela?”.
“It have seen that gesture before Antonio it means he wants to …….. Oh no! He wants us to follow him, what a relief……I think?”.
Manuela and Antonio are led away in different directions, to return some hours later. Antonio is walking strangely while Manuela is smiling and cheerful.
“That was most distressing Manuela, the probe was very painful”.
“I didn’t find it so Antonio”.
“But Manuela the anal probe was very uncomfortable and brought many tears to my eyes”.
“Ohhhhhhhh you had an ANAL probe, yes that would be painful”.
“We must escape Manuela, take our chances and make a bid for freedom”.
“No Antonio, they are going to do another probe tomorrow, we don’t want to spoil their experiments do we, they have been very, very thorough so far”.
“Oh Manuela I told you I always get hurt, Ohhh Manuela”.
“Stop crying Antonio and get some sleep we have a busy day with the probes tomorrow”.
As the new day dawns Manuela and Antonio are duly taken for their respective experiments. It is several hours before the pair are brought back to their quarters, tired, dishevelled and Manuela is clearly distressed.
“We must escape Antonio, now, immediately, we mustn’t stay here a minute longer”.
“You had the anal probe didn’t you Manuela?”.
“Yes Antonio I had the anal probe, wipe that grin off your face, open that hatch over there and escape”.
“You knew that hatch was there all the time didn’t you Manuela? Why didn’t we escape before?”.
“I never had the anal probe before Antonio”.
Manuela and Antonio reached the Bar La Casa Devante telling their terrible story to the resident drunks who couldn’t see anything unusual in it, but prolonged drinking of Remitroot Whisky does that to one.
With the failure of the pods and the escape of their prize subjects in the form of Manuela and Antonio Poyato the Alien research project was in tatters, we join the Captain as he begins a report to his home planet.
“chhhiikkkl bs nummpthfffff ckk ll scjjkj!” Oh sorry I’ll turn on the intergalactic electronic interpreting device.
CAPTAIN: “Captain Splat reporting, stardate 9028 and a third. I must report that a design fault in the pods had rendered them unserviceable……..”.
PILOT: “Captain, why does you nose grow so?”.
CAPTAIN: “Shut up, no not you esteemed Sir. Yes the pods failed so we discontinued the tests. The probing went well on day one with the female subject responding very well, very well indeed but again a manufacturing problem caused them to implode……….”.
PILOT: “Captain your nose reaches the opposite bulkhead”.
CAPTAIN: “Shhhhhhhhh…….. The ship arrrrrrr we have some bad news there to Sir…………What?….. any damage will come out of our own pockets………….kisssplit…pliyhissssplik…..sorry Sir communications are breaking up…kissphlipppppp”
CAPTAIN: “We are stranded on this planet among these imbeciles, but we must make the most of things. Get me the probe, no not the anal probe the other one I’m going to find the girl Manuela”.
So the alien crew integrated with the people of the village, their offspring can be seen to this day taking part in the day to day life of the town. No further contact was made with the home planet apart from an anonymous bulk order for probes, not the anal probe the other one.