Our intrepid travellers, Manuela and Antonio Poyato stand in the departure hall of an airport somewhere in southern Spain. They await boarding information for their flight to Britain.
Airport Tannoy: “Ping **** bla blas ******* siiifffffft ********* eeeeeeeee Ping”
“What did it say Antonio?”.
“Difficult to say Manuela. It sounded like ‘The green Orangutan won’t eat the sandwiches of my Mother-in-law’”.
“That’s because they are made from ‘cold shoulder’ and ‘tongue’ Antonio”.
“Ehh yes of course Manuela. You seem preoccupied, what is wrong?”
“I hate flying Antonio. Up in the clouds, fear of falling, light headed. Just like drinking Remitroot but without the erotic side-effects, hmmmmm Remitroot”.
“Oh Manuela, don’t start there are many people about and this is Spain we don’t want a public scandal do we?”.
Airport Tannoy: “Ping*****Shhhhhh, pphhhhiiitttttt **********whirrrrrlllyyyPing”
“Was that about the sandwiches of your Mother-in-law Antonio?”.
“No Manuela, they are ‘calling’ our flight”.
“Will security search me again?”.
“They usually do Manuela”.
“I know Antonio, the last one that searched me was only supposed to be serving the coffee. He had very warm hands Antonio”.
“Why don’t you complain to the airport authorities Manuela?”.
“Oh no Antonio, I don’t want to cause a fuss and after all we are guests in Spain. Is it their custom to grope every woman in sight?”.
“No Manuela, just you”.
“Oh I have much luck today Antonio, Errr I think”.
Our two heroes board the aeroplane and take their seats, Antonio reaches over Manuela.
“Let me fix the belt around you Manuela”.
“No Antonio not here people are wa…….. Oh I see the seat belt”.
“Yes Manuela the seat belt. You really must cut down on the Remitroot wine “.
“Ohhhhh I know Antonio”.
“Did they search you again?”.
“Sí, they said they were looking for explosives, but if I had explosives I wouldn’t keep them where they were looking, that would cause me much worry Antonio”.
Aeroplane Tannoy: Ping********phhhhhhhhhhhittttt*******bla, bla, bla phhhhittPing”.
“No not about the sandwiches Manuela we are taking off”.
“There is much shaking and banging Antonio, are we going by road? Oh no there we go, airborne. I’ll have a gin and tonic”.
Aeroplane Tannoy: Ping********phhhhhhhhhhhitttttyyyyyyyyy*******bla, bla, bla phhhhittehhhheeePing”.
“We are landing Manuela”.
“That was quick Antonio, did we go many kilometres an hour?”.
“No Manuela you went many gin and tonics an hour”.
“Ohh, ‘hic’. Sí many, but I feel a bit ill, I think one of the gin and tonics was bad Antonio”.
“Sí Manuela, por supuesto!”.
“So this is England Antonio? Why is the sky so low?”
Next week Uggaby, Manuela meets Abigail.