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The Essential Alqueria: A holiday guide.

The Essential Alqueria: A holiday guide.

Firstly, congratulations on choosing Alqueria for your next holiday experience and secondly well done with the purchase of this travel guide which will enhance your stay in our wonderful country.

OK let’s get the numbers out of the way before we tell you of the wonders you have in store. Alqueria is an independent republic situated on the Iberian Peninsular and is completely encircled by mainland Spain. It is a village of some eight hundred souls. It sits in the Alquerian Valley at the foot of the Sierra Alhamilla. The currency is the Raro. At the time of going to press there are 25,478 Raros to the Euro. It isn’t however necessary to buy the local currency as Euros, Dollars, Pounds Stirling, gold and prescription drugs are readily accepted.

The climate of Alqueria is as warm as its people. Potential visitors suffering from respiratory problems should however consult their physicians before travelling. A further note regarding the warmth of the people. Manuela is especially warm and wives are recommended to keep at least a hundred metres separation between her and their respective husbands.

Night life in Alqueria is second to none. Whether you dance to the Syncopation Four with Sanchez Malnota at the Bar La Casa Devante or bop the night away to the pulsating sound of the Constipation Five at the La Golondrina Verde you won’t be disappointed. One legal rider to Alqueria’s night life. Being on the streets after ten invalidates any duty of care owed to the traveller by the Alquerian Government, travel agents, couriers, in fact everyone really.

The cuisine of the Village is singular to say the least. One particular dish, ‘The Alquerian Plato’ has defied analysis by the world’s health authorities despite many years of trying. People who have enjoyed the meal report minimal psychological change and only a moderate loss of stomach lining. So go on give it a go! It’s worth it, honest!

The delightful Río Verde offers the visitor a chance to unwind on its shaded banks or take a dip in its buoyant and wonderfully translucent water. The variety of wildlife is astonishing and specialised species abound in the refreshing depths of the River. Please note that cases of Polydactyly have never definitely been traced to swimming in the Río Verde.

Regular ferias take place in Alqueria and due to high spirits and the sheer exuberance of life they can get a little boisterous. Brick throwing and fire bombing are charming elements of these celebrations. These festivals can be viewed in complete safety from one of the many concrete bunkers built for that very purpose.

So have we whetted your appetite for a holiday in Alqueria?

Come soon and we hope you return many times.

by John MacDonald