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Trafalgar Square 2009
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Alqueria de Golf

Alqueria de Golf

Alqueria is a paradise for golfers. Well that’s the advertising blurb, in fact no one in Alqueria can even play the game. But complete ignorance has never stopped anyone from doing anything. The world’s politicians are testimony to the fact that the bigger the country the bigger the level of ignorance at the top.

The topography of Alqueria’s golf course was interesting to say the least. Built on waste ground to the east of the Río Verde, where so many failed Alquerian projects had been situated, it was mainly swamp strewn with semi-submerged and ruined buildings. The turf floated on a soup of disgusting black ‘Río Verde’ slime. Golfers balanced on small rafts of artificial grass as they tried to hit golf balls that slowly sank into the foul smelling ooze. Respirators had to be worn to avoid the fumes rendering one unconscious.

The greens were more solid but had to be arrived at by negotiating the convoluted Río Verde which meanders its disgusting way around, through and under the golf course. Many a daring golfer met his end trying to cross the River which can only be traversed at certain times of the day due to the feeding habits of some of its larger inhabitants. All holes on the greens are attached via a network of plastic tubing which allows the balls to be collected at the club house and sold back to the golfers. One individual has bought the same ball two hundred and forty six times.

Antonio Poyato, alive to the needs of the modern golfer decided to invent a device which would render the bag full of clubs that golfers lugs about redundant. He developed the ‘Swiss Army’ golf club. Instead of the twelve or fourteen clubs required for various obscure purposes, Poyato only required one. It weighed nine and a half kilograms however and was festooned with levers, buttons and knobs which controlled the deployment of a multitude of heads. Unfortunately it malfunctioned pole-axing half a dozen golfers, destroying Alqueria’s newly built public urinal and causing the Spanish Navy to deploy an aircraft carrier off the nearby coast.

But why did the golfers come to Alqueria in the first place?

They came after being lured by video footage of legitimate courses on the Costa del Sol with badly edited superimposed images of Alqueria. The promises made by Manuela also had something to do with the male contingent arriving, while the wives wisely tagged along to keep an eye on their potentially wayward husbands. Once in Alqueria their passports, ready cash and dignity were confiscated and only returned when their bank accounts were emptied. They were then deposited over the Alquerian border in Spain where the Spanish authorities were left to repatriate these unfortunates.

The golf course has now been closed under threat of Spanish military action.

by John MacDonald