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Trafalgar Square 2009

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The Language


The Language

Some languages are heavily laden with nouns, some have complex and bewildering verbs, the Alquerian tongue however is singular in that it has myriad expletives. Although originating from an ancient Iberian dialect it is as similar to Spanish as Tory Party policy is to common sense. Although designated a language proper it is virtually useless as a form of communication.

The first known mention of the Alquerian tongue was in 1605 with the publication of ‘Don Quijote de la Mancha’ by Miguel de Cervantes. Here Cervantes describes his two heroes as meeting a man “whose ignorance and stupidity approached an art form while his bodily cleanliness proved upsetting even to Sancho’s donkey”. Cervantes went on to describe the meeting, the gallant knight reported the man’s utterances as being foul and his language specifically designed for fools and simpletons, which is a fair description of Alquerian. Since then the idiom has been studied by a regiment of linguists but they soon tire, become depressed or are admitted to high security mental institutions muttering and dribbling.

Just how the language came to have so many expletives is one of the rather simpler mysteries of the tongue. During the turbulent history of Spain, Alqueria was until recently a part of the Spanish Kingdom many invaders have settled leaving their mark on the culture and landscape of the Peninsular. These invaders naturally wanted to know what sort of country they were invading and therefore Alqueria also received their unwanted attentions. Phoenicians first then the Romans arrived. Although their comments are not on record hearsay evidence suggests it went something like this, “What a ****** ****** **** of a place” in Latin of course and so the first expletives became part of the Language. This became common practice with each wave of marauders, as they came and went so the expletives became more colourful and succinct.

The Alquerian language, in general has remained stagnant due the inert population. However the expletive content has evolved as each new disillusioned group visited the Village, swore profusely then rapidly left. Modern influences in the Alquerian tongue include the utterances of Blythe Gruntmore, Alqueria’s resident Englishman and Geordie. His musical but completely incoherent form of Geordie-Spanish fitted naturally into the language giving it a strange guttural twist unique in Spain.

Alquerian nouns, although few in number do become more numerous when referring to the police, most not repeatable in polite company however. These gentlemen with blue lights on their cars have been frequent visitors to the Village over the years, albeit on official matters.

The Language continues to baffle the experts, foreign visitors and the Alquerians themselves.


A photo journey
through Spain


Written by:
John MacDonald
Patricia Díaz Pereda.

ISBN 978-1-909612-70-9
To order from Amazon.co.uk
Click here

by John MacDonald



Moving on a pavement artist. London. 2009



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